I discovered the other day that the United States Government is looking to slaughter dolphins again. The Assistant Secretary of Commerce for Oceans and Atmosphere, Terry Garcia (What a job title. Think about what his business cards must read like!) has decided to broaden the definition of the “dolphin safe” policy regarding tuna fishing. He wants to bring back a fishing technique called ENCIRCLEMENT. This technique has been banned since 1990. It incorporates mile long nets strung between trawlers that surround schools of sleeping dolphins in order to catch the tuna below.

Proponents of the encirclement technique say the dolphins usually jump over the nets and swim happily away. Past observances by scientists and environmentalists have shown that indeed adult dolphins escape the nets, leaving infants and young calves behind. Later the suffocated dolphins in the nets are discarded as rejects on the tuna inspection line. Hence the reason for the ban on this technique.

Mr. Garcia reports that recent studies have concluded that “encirclement as a method of fishing for tuna” does not cause “significant adverse impact on these depleted stocks of dolphins.” Meanwhile in the REAL world there is hard evidence to the contrary. In 186, over 130,000 dolphins were eliminated as nuisances to the tuna fishing industry. After the ban on encirclement in ’90 and the nationwide consumer boycott on tuna that number reduced to 2,000 last year.

Now, I am not a tree hugger. In the end all, be all battle of survival if it comes down to a spotted owl or me the hooter is history. However doing a little simple arithmetic, I find that encirclement is an evil that should STAY BANNED. Dolphins are more than the cute, silvery side attraction at SeaWorld. They provide a strong element in the food chain and a balance of life in the oceans. We almost screwed up that balance a decade ago and now the government, buckling under cooperate pressure, is picking at the scab of extinction again.

Who elected these people?

I advise we ban tuna again. We should ban it before the damage is done once more. I counted several hundred cans of tuna in my local grocery store and ALL of it was caught without encirclement. I see no drastic shortage of canned tuna on the Earth that merits a change in the federal “dolphin safe” ruling.

I will be researching this unfortunate turn of events and if needed will provide anyone who asks the contact information for Secretary Garcia as soon as I find it. Seems I’m getting the ol’ Federal runaround.

I’ll keep you posted.


“Reverend Jesse Jackson is a lifesaver.”

That’s the opinion of the families of the three United States soldiers held captive in Belgrade, Yugoslavia. I absolutely agree with them. His efforts can only be compared to heroism, in my book. I admit up front that I am not a Jesse Jackson fan. Apart from his hilarious GREEN EGGS AND HAM reading on Saturday Night Live, I mainly considered the good reverend as a poorly funded televangelist.

I had him all wrong.

With light speed conviction, Jackson and his peace seeking entourage moved into a wartime Yugoslavia, spoke to the battered soldiers, turned to the correct people in power and, Rambo-like, got our boys the Hell out of there. Even more to his credit, noticing the millions of eyes on his efforts, he kept the one thing Jesse Jackson has never been known to keep- his humility. “Our country should be proud of them.” The Reverend said of Christopher Stone, Steven Gonzalez and Andrew Ramirez.

I was impressed. Then he jumped back into the political form for which is typically known. Condemning and justifying simultaneously. “Bombing cannot be a solution but the same goes for the forceful displacement of ethnic Albanians from their homes in Kosovo.” Gee. President Bill Clinton himself should be so proud of such a supreme example of intra-sentence waffling.

All in all, Jackson did a commendable job of getting our abducted men out of Yugoslavia. I just wish he kept the politics out of it. He already said late last year that he wasn’t going to run for President so save the speeches for another time. Or better yet, he should just write his thoughts down and make another best seller. It would really make an interesting read.

Just think about how hard it had to have been for the Reverend to get Slobedon Milosevic on his side. This whole Kosovo portrait is framed within racial cleansing in Yugoslavia. Sending an African-American Christian into a completely white and Muslim country is tantamount to suicide. But he did it.

Reverend Jackson, I’d like to shake your hand


It is the most clear cut example that the new 100 and 50 dollar bills look like MONOPOLY money thus far. A thirteen-year-old cybermoron was caught playing with the Internet auction site, eBAY after bidding around three million dollars on eight items. According to the USA Today, Andrew Tyler of Haddonfield, New Jersey viewed eBAY as a sort of cool online video game and promptly bid $900,000 dollars on a bed. He also threw down his auction gauntlet toward a 1955 Ford, a ’71 Corvette, a #1 Superman comic and Van Gogh painting.

The kid has good taste.

I don’t know about the bed bid though. I mean, if I’m paying 900 Gs on a mattress set and frame then it better be accompanied… by Catherine Zeta- Jones… naked… with a can of whipped cream. Seems the Mom had no idea her son was doing all this and yanked his Internet privileges. Wow, what a punishment. If I pulled something like this when I was a kid my folks would have made me mow every lawn in the neighborhood until I was 80 in order to pay for the stuff. Not Andrew’s Mom. She instead wants eBAY to mow the lawn.

She attacked the website’s open door policy of that little used thing called an “honor system”. She felt that the site should have asked for proof of age and a credit card. Okay, I get the credit card thing but come on, LADY! Have you ever even BEEN on the Internet? How can one prove their age to a computer? What, is the computer going to flip on some siren and ask the poor unsuspecting web surfer to pull over and produce a license and registration? Is he going to show the I.D. to the monitor?

I suggest the mother of dear little Andrew head to her closest Wal-Mart or Sears Department Store go to the Home Essentials section, aisle three, top shelf and purchase a brain. Because hers is broken. While I agree that eBAY should take more care with their registration system I also agree that the parents of web savvy children should pay a little more attention to what their offspring do online. Instead of complaining that the internet allows children to surf porno sites and “how to make a bomb” sites and Marilyn Manson sites and yes, eBAY or the like perhaps, just perhaps the parents should try reading the instructions concerning the computer’s access restriction programming.

No copping out here, I know the programming is there because I had to hack for hours through all that crap in order to get to the porno sites. Believe me, it is no picnic. Why I had to- uh. Nevermind.

It is my opinion that the vast majority feels it simply doesn’t matter what a kid does today. He shouldn’t be doing it. If he is hanging out with the wrong crowd then he should pick up a book and read. If he spends all day studying then he should go out and play with his friends. Meanwhile the faulty parents are sitting in the living room relaxing after an exhausting day at work, completely ignoring the kid save those precious few moments of asking him to take out the garbage.

Now this kid, Andrew was wrong. If he is smart enough to figure out such a complicated mechanism as a computer then he is certainly bright enough to know that eBAY was a real site with real merchandise using real money. A paltry scolding like yanking Internet privileges is about as useful as a dozen waterwings on the Titanic. Besides. I’m sure that family’s yard could really use a trim.


“Hi. My name is Tom Cruise and I am a bad lay.” That’s what a tabloid is implying the Hollywood Cashcow would say during the production of the soon to be released EYES WIDE SHUT. Reporting in March that Mr. Cruise and his honey, Nicole Kidman needed coaching for their erotic love scenes, tabloid, THE STAR found itself wrapped up in a defamation lawsuit. Phil Bunton, the King of the Hill of Sleazy paparazzi said he has copies of signed contracts between the late Stanley Kubrick’s production company and sex therapists Tony and Wendy Duffield detailing the responsibility of teaching the film’s married co-stars how to “do it”. The tabloid loathing couple has denied everything and is suing to make that denial look good.

All right. My question is… what the f**k? I’ve seen the sneak preview footage of EYES WIDE SHUT and it looks promising. (Nicole is naked in it. Woof!) But I must say that I’ve seen steamier scenes in an Herbal Essence ad. If Tom and Nicole DID get coaching then they didn’t listen very closely. I believe even the great Bela Karoli would be hard pressed to get THIS couple to perform a successful floor exercise. If they DIDN’T have coaching then it is going to be a very long summer of watching their movie bomb worse than a NATO shelling over Kosovo.

Don’t get me wrong. I like Tom and Nicole. I especially am fond of that movie where Tom plays that cocky young guy. I also recall that film where Nicole strips nude and dares that young man in the distance, trying not to be seen, to look at her lithe body. A-hem. I mean, what exactly is the point of a lawsuit here? One would think THE STAR made fun of the size of Cruise’s –uh Top Gun.

To be fair, the couple says the allegations are a challenge to their acting ability and that making stuff up about nooky coaching is just plain uncool. Okay, then it is time for a history lesson. Anyone remember Tom and Nicole adopting their first child, raising rumors that Cruise was impotent? It seems to me that these two could quite possibly be frigid. I say “possibly”, as I don’t want to get sued by the couple over such a stupid allegation. So I will dispense some keen advice to the lovelorn couple…

Practice makes perfect.


Remember the Mom with the broken brain? I found some hope for her. The Associated Press reports that scientists in Boston, Massachusetts are cultivating replacement brain parts. Yes, you read that correctly. Dr. Jeffrey Macklis of the Children’s Hospital and Harvard Medical School in good old Bean Town is talking about “rewiring complex circuitry in the brain.”

Turn on the Tesla coil and page Igor, we’ve got work to do.

“Ten years ago,” continues Macklis, “this would have been considered totally crazy. Five years ago, it would have been a little bonkers.” Oh, wait! I get it. Let me try, Doc. “Two years ago, people simply said, ‘you’re out of your mind!’ Get it? Out of your- Ha ha ha! Hey. Doc, put that down. What do you need a scalpel for? Help! HELP!”

Let’s take pause for a moment here. There is a physician. Out there. He went through medical school. He passed. He wants to gut out your brains with an ice cream scoop and plug in some new and improved gray matter. And here’s the real kicker. He isn’t in jail. In fact he has other doctors considering the theory in other cities and countries. Doctors are researching this in what they call the name of (insert Thomas Foley music) SCIENCE! They have mice and pigs to test upon. They have ice cream scoops. And more importantly, they have grants. The process even has a name: Cell Therapy.

Hmm. I have a better name for it.

Flipping Stupid.

This whole thing conjures up images of that movie YOUNG FRANKENSTIEN where Gene Wilder asks Marty Feldman where the brain in the skull of his newly reanimated creature came from. “Abby someone.” Feldman answers. “Abby who,” Wilder presses. “Abby Normal.” Feldman flatly replies inciting comical rage from the mad scientist.

I have a very simple take on this brain fixer upper thing. It comes from, as many of my theories do, television. It was a Nabisco ad from years ago. They said:

“We have noticed several products out there advertising ‘new and improved’ Well, we here at Nabisco believe one thing: We did it right the first time!”

To pardon the pun, just some food for thought.