A FAMILIAR TUNA
I discovered the other day that the United States Government is looking to
slaughter dolphins again. The Assistant Secretary of Commerce for Oceans and
Atmosphere, Terry Garcia (What a job title. Think about what his business cards
must read like!) has decided to broaden the definition of the “dolphin safe”
policy regarding tuna fishing. He wants to bring back a fishing technique called
ENCIRCLEMENT. This technique has been banned since 1990. It incorporates
mile long nets strung between trawlers that surround schools of sleeping
dolphins in order to catch the tuna below.
Proponents of the encirclement technique say the dolphins usually jump over the
nets and swim happily away. Past observances by scientists and
environmentalists have shown that indeed adult dolphins escape the nets,
leaving infants and young calves behind. Later the suffocated dolphins in the
nets are discarded as rejects on the tuna inspection line. Hence the reason for the
ban on this technique.
Mr. Garcia reports that recent studies have concluded that “encirclement as a
method of fishing for tuna” does not cause “significant adverse impact on these
depleted stocks of dolphins.” Meanwhile in the REAL world there is hard
evidence to the contrary. In 186, over 130,000 dolphins were eliminated as
nuisances to the tuna fishing industry. After the ban on encirclement in ’90 and
the nationwide consumer boycott on tuna that number reduced to 2,000 last year.
Now, I am not a tree hugger. In the end all, be all battle of survival if it comes
down to a spotted owl or me the hooter is history. However doing a little simple
arithmetic, I find that encirclement is an evil that should STAY BANNED.
Dolphins are more than the cute, silvery side attraction at SeaWorld. They
provide a strong element in the food chain and a balance of life in the oceans.
We almost screwed up that balance a decade ago and now the government,
buckling under cooperate pressure, is picking at the scab of extinction again.
Who elected these people?
I advise we ban tuna again. We should ban it before the damage is done once
more. I counted several hundred cans of tuna in my local grocery store and ALL
of it was caught without encirclement. I see no drastic shortage of canned tuna
on the Earth that merits a change in the federal “dolphin safe” ruling.
I will be researching this unfortunate turn of events and if needed will provide
anyone who asks the contact information for Secretary Garcia as soon as I find
it. Seems I’m getting the ol’ Federal runaround.
I’ll keep you posted.
“Reverend Jesse Jackson is a lifesaver.”
That’s the opinion of the families of the three United States soldiers held captive
in Belgrade, Yugoslavia. I absolutely agree with them. His efforts can only be
compared to heroism, in my book. I admit up front that I am not a Jesse Jackson
fan. Apart from his hilarious GREEN EGGS AND HAM reading on Saturday
Night Live, I mainly considered the good reverend as a poorly funded
I had him all wrong.
With light speed conviction, Jackson and his peace seeking entourage moved
into a wartime Yugoslavia, spoke to the battered soldiers, turned to the correct
people in power and, Rambo-like, got our boys the Hell out of there. Even more
to his credit, noticing the millions of eyes on his efforts, he kept the one thing
Jesse Jackson has never been known to keep- his humility. “Our country should
be proud of them.” The Reverend said of Christopher Stone, Steven Gonzalez
and Andrew Ramirez.
I was impressed. Then he jumped back into the political form for which is
typically known. Condemning and justifying simultaneously. “Bombing cannot
be a solution but the same goes for the forceful displacement of ethnic
Albanians from their homes in Kosovo.” Gee. President Bill Clinton himself
should be so proud of such a supreme example of intra-sentence waffling.
All in all, Jackson did a commendable job of getting our abducted men out of
Yugoslavia. I just wish he kept the politics out of it. He already said late last
year that he wasn’t going to run for President so save the speeches for another
time. Or better yet, he should just write his thoughts down and make another
best seller. It would really make an interesting read.
Just think about how hard it had to have been for the Reverend to get Slobedon
Milosevic on his side. This whole Kosovo portrait is framed within racial
cleansing in Yugoslavia. Sending an African-American Christian into a
completely white and Muslim country is tantamount to suicide. But he did it.
Reverend Jackson, I’d like to shake your hand
AT LEAST IT WASN’T DOOM
It is the most clear cut example that the new 100 and 50 dollar bills look like
MONOPOLY money thus far. A thirteen-year-old cybermoron was caught
playing with the Internet auction site, eBAY after bidding around three million
dollars on eight items. According to the USA Today, Andrew Tyler of
Haddonfield, New Jersey viewed eBAY as a sort of cool online video game and
promptly bid $900,000 dollars on a bed. He also threw down his auction
gauntlet toward a 1955 Ford, a ’71 Corvette, a #1 Superman comic and Van
The kid has good taste.
I don’t know about the bed bid though. I mean, if I’m paying 900 Gs on a
mattress set and frame then it better be accompanied… by Catherine Zeta-
Jones… naked… with a can of whipped cream. Seems the Mom had no idea her
son was doing all this and yanked his Internet privileges. Wow, what a
punishment. If I pulled something like this when I was a kid my folks would
have made me mow every lawn in the neighborhood until I was 80 in order to
pay for the stuff. Not Andrew’s Mom. She instead wants eBAY to mow the
She attacked the website’s open door policy of that little used thing called an
“honor system”. She felt that the site should have asked for proof of age and a
credit card. Okay, I get the credit card thing but come on, LADY! Have you ever
even BEEN on the Internet? How can one prove their age to a computer? What,
is the computer going to flip on some siren and ask the poor unsuspecting web
surfer to pull over and produce a license and registration? Is he going to show
the I.D. to the monitor?
I suggest the mother of dear little Andrew head to her closest Wal-Mart or Sears
Department Store go to the Home Essentials section, aisle three, top shelf and
purchase a brain. Because hers is broken. While I agree that eBAY should take
more care with their registration system I also agree that the parents of web
savvy children should pay a little more attention to what their offspring do
online. Instead of complaining that the internet allows children to surf porno
sites and “how to make a bomb” sites and Marilyn Manson sites and yes, eBAY
or the like perhaps, just perhaps the parents should try reading the instructions
concerning the computer’s access restriction programming.
No copping out here, I know the programming is there because I had to hack for
hours through all that crap in order to get to the porno sites. Believe me, it is no
picnic. Why I had to- uh. Nevermind.
It is my opinion that the vast majority feels it simply doesn’t matter what a kid
does today. He shouldn’t be doing it. If he is hanging out with the wrong crowd
then he should pick up a book and read. If he spends all day studying then he
should go out and play with his friends. Meanwhile the faulty parents are sitting
in the living room relaxing after an exhausting day at work, completely ignoring
the kid save those precious few moments of asking him to take out the garbage.
Now this kid, Andrew was wrong. If he is smart enough to figure out such a
complicated mechanism as a computer then he is certainly bright enough to
know that eBAY was a real site with real merchandise using real money. A
paltry scolding like yanking Internet privileges is about as useful as a dozen
waterwings on the Titanic.
Besides. I’m sure that family’s yard could really use a trim.
“Hi. My name is Tom Cruise and I am a bad lay.” That’s what a tabloid is
implying the Hollywood Cashcow would say during the production of the soon
to be released EYES WIDE SHUT. Reporting in March that Mr. Cruise and his
honey, Nicole Kidman needed coaching for their erotic love scenes, tabloid,
THE STAR found itself wrapped up in a defamation lawsuit. Phil Bunton, the
King of the Hill of Sleazy paparazzi said he has copies of signed contracts
between the late Stanley Kubrick’s production company and sex therapists Tony
and Wendy Duffield detailing the responsibility of teaching the film’s married
co-stars how to “do it”. The tabloid loathing couple has denied everything and is
suing to make that denial look good.
All right. My question is… what the f**k? I’ve seen the sneak preview footage
of EYES WIDE SHUT and it looks promising. (Nicole is naked in it. Woof!)
But I must say that I’ve seen steamier scenes in an Herbal Essence ad. If Tom
and Nicole DID get coaching then they didn’t listen very closely. I believe even
the great Bela Karoli would be hard pressed to get THIS couple to perform a
successful floor exercise. If they DIDN’T have coaching then it is going to be a
very long summer of watching their movie bomb worse than a NATO shelling
Don’t get me wrong. I like Tom and Nicole. I especially am fond of that movie
where Tom plays that cocky young guy. I also recall that film where Nicole
strips nude and dares that young man in the distance, trying not to be seen, to
look at her lithe body. A-hem. I mean, what exactly is the point of a lawsuit
here? One would think THE STAR made fun of the size of Cruise’s –uh Top
To be fair, the couple says the allegations are a challenge to their acting ability
and that making stuff up about nooky coaching is just plain uncool. Okay, then it
is time for a history lesson. Anyone remember Tom and Nicole adopting their
first child, raising rumors that Cruise was impotent? It seems to me that these
two could quite possibly be frigid. I say “possibly”, as I don’t want to get sued
by the couple over such a stupid allegation. So I will dispense some keen advice
to the lovelorn couple…
Practice makes perfect.
PIECE OF MIND
Remember the Mom with the broken brain? I found some hope for her. The
Associated Press reports that scientists in Boston, Massachusetts are cultivating
replacement brain parts. Yes, you read that correctly. Dr. Jeffrey Macklis of the
Children’s Hospital and Harvard Medical School in good old Bean Town is
talking about “rewiring complex circuitry in the brain.”
Turn on the Tesla coil and page Igor, we’ve got work to do.
“Ten years ago,” continues Macklis, “this would have been considered totally
crazy. Five years ago, it would have been a little bonkers.” Oh, wait! I get it. Let
me try, Doc. “Two years ago, people simply said, ‘you’re out of your mind!’ Get
it? Out of your- Ha ha ha! Hey. Doc, put that down. What do you need a scalpel
for? Help! HELP!”
Let’s take pause for a moment here. There is a physician. Out there. He went
through medical school. He passed. He wants to gut out your brains with an ice
cream scoop and plug in some new and improved gray matter. And here’s the
real kicker. He isn’t in jail. In fact he has other doctors considering the theory in
other cities and countries. Doctors are researching this in what they call the
name of (insert Thomas Foley music) SCIENCE! They have mice and pigs to
test upon. They have ice cream scoops. And more importantly, they have grants.
The process even has a name: Cell Therapy.
Hmm. I have a better name for it.
This whole thing conjures up images of that movie YOUNG FRANKENSTIEN
where Gene Wilder asks Marty Feldman where the brain in the skull of his
newly reanimated creature came from. “Abby someone.” Feldman answers.
“Abby who,” Wilder presses. “Abby Normal.” Feldman flatly replies inciting
comical rage from the mad scientist.
I have a very simple take on this brain fixer upper thing. It comes from, as many
of my theories do, television. It was a Nabisco ad from years ago. They said:
“We have noticed several products out there advertising ‘new and improved’
Well, we here at Nabisco believe one thing: We did it right the first time!”
To pardon the pun, just some food for thought.