Someone told me once that idle hands are tools of the Devil. Taking this as a warning, I made note that every time my hands were just sitting around, relaxing, that I was on keen watch for some horned dude with a really bad sunburn to arrive at my door. I have a glass box containing a Rubikís Cube in preparation. "In case of emergency, break glass and occupy hands."

I think everyone needs one of these glass cases. With all the idleness in humanity these days the Devilís itinerary must be booked more than a psychotherapistís on the Jerry Springer Show. Donít believe me? Well sally forth into some pristine examples of idleness in its prime:

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This isnít Punny

Have you ever gotten so angry with someone that you searched for the closest object to grab and repeatedly beat the crap out of them with? Well, if so please make sure you choose the right weapon or people will laugh at you. Case in point: San Diego, California. A man was arrested for beating his girlfriend with a ten-pound tuna.

The girlfriend suffered cuts and bruises but fortunately escaped serious injury. In an interview with police who asked her to describe the weapon, she outstretched her hands and said, "it was this big." They didnít believe her. The fish got bigger and bigger with each interview.

You know I feel bad about the lady and I am glad the boyfriend is in jail but doesnít this sound a lot like Ike and Tuna Turner. Oops, I fish I hadnít said that. I hope I didnít offind anyone. Well thereís no reason to carp an attitude.

Go ahead, call the pun police, I dare ya. Want me to confess it? Fine. Iím gillty.


Pro:Con = Progress:Congress

There is enough idle finger drumming on the table of the United States Congress to disrupt its molecular stability. To prove this, at a joint luncheon, Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania decided to try some rice pudding instead of his regular chocolate variety. He liked it and asked for the recipe. Turns out it belonged to the chef of the House of Representatives, who refused to fork it over.

He in turn organized a Senate sub-committee to analyze, break down and reproduce the desired dessert for senatorial consumption. So far there is no success but never fear. "I am confident the Senate rice pudding will someday surpass the House rice pudding." Says Santorum in his office somewhere while a vote on the floor was commencing.

Hey Mr. Santorum, hereís a suggestion for ya, maybe when they can get it right they can help feed the homeless in D.C. instead of wasting time on your fat ass!

Oh look, my idle hand is extending it idle middle finger at you. Sorry, the Devil made me do it.


Wider is Better

Okay, pudding research is one thing but to REALLY waste time, one has to hand the baton to a scientist. In London recently folks have proven that Albert Einsteinís brain is bigger than everyone elseís is. Wider in fact, by about 15 percent.

Uh-huh.

Iíll go along with that but I have a question. What are they doing with his brain in the first place? I mean isnít it supposed to be, oh I donít know, in his skull?!? Iím not sure but I think Al would be a little upset if he knew his melon was being poked at with a slide rule.

Whatís worse is it was exhumed for no reason. Doctorís have also proven that aside from width, there is no other difference in Einsteinís brain from anyone of a hundred others they had lying around the lab. So size does not denote intelligence.

This of course means they now have more time to play with the brain. Perhaps this time Einstein wonít mind but I doubt it.


The Name Game.

Ever get bored and practice your signature in preparation for that eventuality of your being famous and everyone wanting your autograph? Well, thereís a guy in Ottawa, Canada that does this idle activity. Only he does it on credit card receipts and driverís licenses and hospital cards and deeds to houses and bank loans. He has signed his name with so many false identities in fact that the court system has no idea who he is.

Recently he was arrested under suspicion of fraud when he was asked to present identification. He surrendered two licenses with two names. In court it was learned that he possesses at least ten separate names, all of them with documentation. Three of the names on his credit cards are those of dead people in Australia and England but there is no way to prove they didnít authorize him to use the cards or their names.

The court system cannot bring charges on the man since they cannot prove which one of the names, if any is his. Without proven identity there is no chargeable crime. So the court is idly awaiting his deportation.

In the meantime he sits in a jail cell, practicing signatures on the walls.


Chest beating and then some

The Mattel Corporation, which in recent months was under scrutiny for creating the impression of impossible physiques with their Ken and Barbie dolls, is now under fire for lewd realism. In retrospect of the Disney film, TARZANís success, a full line of action toys has been released. One of which is a little too, ahem, active.

The Rad Repeatiní Tarzan doll apparently has a spring action arm that moves from his chest to an area slightly below his loincloth. Seems parents think this is suggestive.

Sort of gives a whole new meaning to that "Ahhhhheeeeahhhhhheeeeeeahhhhh" thing he does every once in a while doesnít it?

"I think this is where adults look at things through a different set of eyes. Kids have a much more innocent concept." Says spokeswoman Sara Rosales.

Iím not sure about that, Sara.

Tarzan has been cooped up with gorillas all his life. The legendary story of the original Mr. doesnít get going until his love, Jane appears. What do you think The Lord of the Apes was doing all those years? No idle hands there!

Still, Mattel doesnít want to be a jerk about this so the packaging for the toy will be more restrictive. Kids wonít be able to play with the doll until they get it home.

Until then I guess Tarzan will just have to play with himself.

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Yes, the Devil is out there. He is busy at work getting us into trouble. Which leads me to yet another question. If idle hands are tools of the Devil and he is so busy using them then who owns his hands?

Makes you think doesnít it?

Have a good Sunday!