One of the greatest examples of an individual making a concise difference in the face of diversity was Astronaut John Young in an inquiry hearing after the infamous Apollo 1 disaster. He set responsibility for the fire that occurred on the launch pad that killed three spacemen as a, "lack of imagination." They just didn’t think it could happen. His speech to the panel single handedly saved the space race.

There are other examples of "lack of imagination". Trouble is most of them involve things that develop from small tremors of stupidity into 5.2 Richter scale earthquakes of sheer ineptness. Take these for instance…


Cancelled Checks

A huge concern for Americans is the ever-growing price of health care. That feeling of someone being there when you need him or her is a validating thought of security. If you really dig that sensation then you need to move to Nashville, Tennessee. Recently the state's public health care provider, TennCare (I wonder how they came up with that name. Geez.) has announced that 14,000 people receiving payments for illness or debilitation are in fact already dead. In 1998 alone over 6 million dollars in was paid to them in benefits.

The Department of Health announced that the error occurred because the state doesn't check for dead people and that the thought never occurred to them to look for such inaccuracies. When you think about it this makes sense, if someone from Tennessee leaves the state they still get health benefits. A dead person technically will never leave the state again. Even if a particularly frisky spirit were to check out the sights in Arkansas, he or she would still be covered. That's a nice feeling.

On a side note, I wonder how much of that six million Elvis got.

Hot Cross Buns

The lack of imagination is a cunning trait. It can cleverly be disguised in an intricately thought out invention and wait, like the FBI in a Delorean drug bust, for that perfect time to strike, right after purchase. Such is the case with yet another brilliant Japanese invention.

The toilet seat warmer.

You may have heard of these things. They are little electric devices that are applied to an everyday toilet seat. When a current is applied the circuit is completed and a cold ass toilet seat is transformed through the wonders of modern science and technology into an exciting warm ass toilet seat. Pretty neat, huh?

Well, they're killing people.

Already five lives have been captured by the rimmed menace. Seems if they are left on for too long they can grow to scalding hot temperatures and combust. This means if you're planning on reading War and Peace in the John, bring a spatula.

Spokespersons for the invention haven't commented except to assure the public that the problem was unforeseen and will be corrected.

I hope they fix it soon, I'm running out of PAM.

Prime Ribbing

The lack of imagination also resides in the misunderstood. A truly American cliché is the ol' woman walks past a construction sight and is whistled and ogled at by the workers. Well, in this gelded p.c. universe we live in, this pastime has been deemed a bad thing. Recently a Santa Cruz woman has taken her plight of construction worker harassment to heart, well maybe not the heart exactly.

She put together a suit made of pork chops and paraded in front of the workers with a sign reading, "Not a piece of meat!"

Uh, okay. I want to make it very clear that I agree with this woman. She is not a piece of meat. She is in fact several pieces of meat sewn together and stuffed into a thin membrane with the label "USDA Shrewish Bitch" tattooed on the side in grape ink. I mean come on, lady! These guys are only doing their American duty. You're supposed to flip them off and then head to work so you can ogle that dude in the Diet Coke commercials! Remember him?

Besides, if you want to continue this whole meat metaphor then let me counter you with the same terminology. (To the sexually offended, I ask you scroll past this, Heh heh heh)

Baked Woman

A recipe by Adam Hyland

Take one whole woman.

Add make-up and perfume to taste.

Marinate in wine for one to two hours.

Dress in minks and diamonds.

Tenderize in expensive sports car.

Bake at 108 degrees at sweaty dance hall.

Serves one… if you're lucky.

Just Plane Stupid

Sometimes you have to abandon imagination altogether and accept there are a few people who come up with ideas just to keep their jobs. Eastwind Airlines based out of Clearwater, Florida has announced that they will be offering commuter flights to Philadelphia, Trenton and one other city. The flights will come out of Tampa, Florida. The other city on the charter is Orlando, Florida.

Orlando is about 75 miles from Tampa.

A 737, at 500 miles an hour, will reach its destination in about seven minutes. Heidi Fleiss wasn't this fast and easy! I know to some this may seem a great idea but to those quaint few I have to say, "shut up, get in the car and drive!" If you're that lazy then you shouldn't be coming here in the first place. Not sure how to tell you this but there are no airplanes to zip you around Walt Disney World. The Yellow Cab Taxi Service, at this time, doesn't employ leer jets. The city bus service to my knowledge has no plans for a Concorde fleet. And unless you're one of those fat ass tourists who just have to use one of those electric buggies instead of rumbling up the que line to experience the Back to the Future Ride at Universal Studios, there are no 737s, dc-9s, Blackhawk helicopters, Single engine prop planes or even hang gliders to get you there!

Take my advice. Instead of flying, walk there. I don't care if your destination is Guam. In fact start walking now, your problems will be over faster than you can say, "Frequent flyer."

Type Casting

Del Close was a talented actor for the Second City comedy troupe in Chicago, Illinois. His dedication to the craft was unmitigated, even after his timely passing in March. Last Thursday the prize inheritance showing that dedication to the troupe was presented… His skull. "Alas, poor Del. We did know him well," laments Robert Falls of the theatre.

Come on, you know the Hamlet bit had to show up here sometime didn't ya?

In fact that was part of Del's scheme. He left, along with his skull, a list of requests for parts to play. They range from the coveted role of Yorick's skull in Hamlet to the lowly character part of the desert skull in Oklahoma! Well. This makes sense. I doubt the skull could portray Willie Lohman in Death of a Salesman. I'm also pretty certain it couldn't play Jean Valjean in Les Miserables.

It could act as the doorstop in Deathtrap. Perhaps it could play the ball in Cats but that's stretching it.

I'm proud that Del did this selfless thing but he has committed theatrical suicide in limiting his roles. Such a little thing like rigor mortis can't stop a good actor. Take the Ghost and Mrs. Muir for example. Or if Hamlet is the peak then The Ghost of Hamlet's father is a bigger part than that bit spot skull thing. Geez. No one will ever get a Tony for playing a skull.

Someone needs to hold a séance and get Del to change his mind. I think he would be a shoe in to play the talking head in the musical Pippen.

Think about it Del.


Every time a mistake happens there is a detailed list of how the mistake occurred. Almost every instance possesses the "I didn't think of it" line. That is where the lack of imagination comes from. I personally think if there were no mistakes then there would be no comedy or people to laugh at. So, in preservation of the comedic spirit: Keep screwing up, America! Think about it this way.

You'll laugh about it in the morning.