Got Mail?

Mailmen have it tough. Each day they lug tons of letters to the world's homes in the rain, snow, heat, cold and face an endless list of domesticated wildlife steadily pacing behind garish red signs like: WARNING: DOG and CAUTION: VICIOUS TREE SQUIRREL. Now a new sign has to be developed. DANGER: VIGILANTE HEIFER.

Seems a dutiful carrier on his route in Lancashire, England was ambushed by a bovine. "It just went loopy." Says the carrier. Geez, I guess. Reports are the cow calved the evening before and was protecting her newly delivered tyke.

This worries me. Daily we hear and see stories about creatures attacking people. Yet we simply chalk it up to bizarre happenstance. What if they are just testing us? Think about it. How many times has your household screeched to an uncomfortable halt when a spider crawls across the floor? I think animals are plotting a global assault on the sanctity of human dominance. How else can you explain KoKo the sign language talking Gorilla?

Steadily the roles are being reversed. Already this year I've commented on dogs attacking cops, doctors surgically working on spiders, cows testing the defenses of pastures and now out and out battery by yet another cow? When will the horror stop?

Oops, I have to feed my cat. Just think about it and get back to me.




Sometimes I just can't figure out scientists. Recently a panel at Cornell University performed a live test to prove that once and for all age old question asked since the days of Copernicus. Can a regular pair of blue jeans support the weight of a Volvo Station Wagon?

Well, yes they can!

Now the real question, all together now:


The test was staged as an exhibit on advancements in clothing technology over the years. They suspended the Volvo high overhead with a number of blue jeans and slowly removed them until a single pair held aloft the car. A loud POP sounded and the Volvo came crashing to Earth, destroying the $20,000 automobile. The $35 jeans suffered a rip just above the knees.

This seems more an exercise in economics than a science experiment doesn't it?

Of course these are scientists we're talking about, the culmination of a millennia of money wasting knowledge mongrels. Not to get too political here but it I think the whole reason for our national deficit isn't international loans but federal grants like these to people who just absolutely need to prove beyond any shadow of doubt something that no one will ever ask about, consider, be interested in or ever even admit exists in the first place.

Hey, considering all this useless discovery and invention… did Ron Popeil ever attend Cornell?


PAC-MANic Depressive

Billy Mitchell sounds like the name of a zit-faced kid selling lemonade somewhere in Topeka, Kansas. One would never think the name would belong to the world's first perfect Pac-Man player. For that matter most people wouldn't care either but let's not get into that. No, Mr. Mitchell in Weirs Beach, New Hampshire performed the daunting task of guiding the '80s icon to successfully "wakka-wakka-wakka" every single dot, power pellet, blue ghost and fruit on every screen the game has to offer, all without losing a single life.

"This was the race for the Holy Grail," says Mitchell.

Uh, yeah. Figuring out the nude code for Lara Croft in Tomb Raider is the Holy Grail, pal. Pac-Man was a loser game for loser people. So were Donkey Kong and that brat Donkey Kong Jr. (which he also holds perfect games for, by the way)

Thing is, this guy is rich. He owns two South Florida restaurants and markets a national hot sauce variety. He looks like the love child of Bon Jovi and Richard Braniff.

A playboy.

Playing Pac-Man.

Some guys have all the luck.



Shirts and Skins

Many people consider The United States an adolescent, naïve little country that hasn't quite figured itself out yet. One subject within America is still searching for identity is that of sexual freedom. Yes, there are sordid things in this country involving leather and spikes and things with Velcro but on the whole we're like that pig tailed preacher's daughter in the back pew of an Arkansas country church: All tease and no tumble.

So when one of those old fogey countries gets uppity over something as banal as a nude beach it is fun to sit back and watch the hypocrisy.

Seems tourists are unhappy that locals on the Eastern Baltic shorelines in Germany are wearing nothing but smiles and sunscreen to their weekend retreats. Fights have even broken out because of this. Talk about a cockfight.

Look people, take some advice from this "adolescent and naïve" American. Why don't you just hold a good old-fashioned volleyball tournament or maybe a surfing competition like in those Frankie and Annette movies? Maybe then you can learn that just because you're German doesn't mean violence is the answer to solving personal beliefs.

Besides. Claudia Schiffer is German isn't she? She can go nude sunbathing anytime she wants.


Excess Baggage

I've heard of deadheading on an airline flight before but this is a little extreme. London's Heathrow Airport announced recently that the body of an unidentified Asian woman was discovered near baggage claim… in one of the bags. Put mildly, the body had been dismantled for easier storage and wrapped in plastic. (If you've seen the movie Very Bad Things you have an idea of this packing method.)

So far police have announced that they are considering this a suspicious death.

"A suspicious death".


What makes you think that, Constable? I mean, does it take a Post-it note attached to her forehead saying "natural causes" to give you cause to avoid investigation? Now I know why cops in England don't carry guns. I'm pretty certain she wasn't avoiding the price of a coach ticket. And even though she was Asian, maybe even an accomplished contortionist, I sincerely doubt she removed her own head.

Even if she did, after she packed it in bubble wrap she wouldn't be able to see well enough to store herself in the Samsonite!

Top notch England, top notch.