WARNING: The introductory paragraph of this week's HY Five may not be suitable for all audiences. If you are squeamish or sensitive to gratuitous violence depicting death and carnage, please skip the introductory paragraph.

WARNING: If you skip the introductory paragraph you will not truly understand what the rest of this week's HY Five is about. The writer suggests that you read the introductory paragraph to Aleve this confusion.

WARNING: If you wish to avoid any confusion concerning the bulk of this week's HY Five by reading the introductory paragraph it is suggested to do so under the most extreme care taking methods available. Perhaps reading every other word will protect you from any permanent cerebral damage.

Thank you, and now… the introductory paragraph.



I saw a dead mouse today. A car had squished it: by the look of it, at least a dozen times or so. It's little paws were sticking toward the sky, crumpled and broken as if in a vain, Samson like attempt to resist the impending tonnage of steel and rubber ushering the mouse to its untimely doom.

I felt bad for the mouse. At the same time, my forensic mind examined the mouse as I passed it by. It was extremely flat. I mean Joe Cocker flat. There cannot possibly be a more extreme example of overkill outside of Kenneth Starr at a Snuff film convention.

Well, maybe there are a few other examples…

Overkill by definition is something or someone subjected to grossly repeated attack or onslaught. In a country like ours, going overboard is almost a birthright. We're Americans. If we can't do it with a million dazzling lights and a blaring P.A. system then it gets shuffled to Canada. Las Vegas is a good floor model of our capabilities in the overkill arena. I like overkill. In fact I usually find a way to garnish overkill with a touch of Grey Poupon and a parsley sprig. So here are some prime examples of what I'm talking about:


Dammit missed. DAMMIT missed! DAMMIT MISSED!!

Living in Florida, I have a special view of Fidel Castro and his little country, Cuba. Our shorelines are so close together that Jesus could take a quick ten-minute jog and make it with no problem. Because of this coziness with one of the last vestiges of communism on Earth the CIA and other government spooks are always on the lookout for an opportunity to cut the proverbial head off of the snake.

In a lawsuit Cuba has filed with U.S. courts seeking damages for a 40 year dirty war scheme merited by the U.S., they have announced that we tried to whack the beard approximately 637 times.

Everything from out and out plugging with a long-range rifle to poisoning a chocolate milkshake to lining a scuba suit with a lethal powder has been claimed as attempts by U.S. operatives against President Castro.

637 times? Wile E. Coyote hasn't even tried to kill the Road Runner 637 times. I guess it takes governmental support to wage that kind of campaign.

I just have one question about this though:

Can you imagine Fidel Castro in a scuba suit?


Johnny Be Good

Just one more example of what happens when you elect a wrestler with a feathered boa to the governor's office: St. Paul, Minnesota now has a program that will try to get prostitutes off the streets. It's called a "John school". Men who have been arrested for soliciting sex will be educated by hookers, active and retired (sounds like a football team) about the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases and the impacts of prostitution. Attending the class will wipe clean the first offense the men incur.

Hookers are teaching men about hooking. What else would they teach? Quantum Physics in a static environment? And this goes toward getting hookers off the street? How about this idea? Call up a bunch of hookers and ask if they want to teach the Monday, Wednesday, Friday course. When they show up in their pink leather mini skirts, ARREST THEM! This seems a pretty good way of getting them off the street.

Now don't get me wrong. I have nothing against prostitutes. They perform a valued function but this is a clear example of overkill against the wrong target.

Besides…what's stopping the men for requesting after school tutoring?


School Daze (A commentary)

Just a quick personal note here:

Kentucky schools this year are requiring all public school officials and teachers to submit to mandatory, random drug tests. This is in an effort to further curb the availability to students, any and all illegal drugs. Sorry guys but this is yet another example of hitting the wrong target. I can almost guarantee you that the kids are not getting drugs from their teachers. (Unless they look like Donald Sutherland from Animal House). If you want to reduce drugs in schools how about mandatory drug tests for the students? What's the difference between a whiz quiz and a lice test?

I understand the importance of a sound schooling environment and that the stability begins with the teachers but it equally depends on the students too. Bottom line: Testing the teachers is fine but don't disguise it as a method of protecting the students. Try screening that black Mercedes with the tinted windows that always shows up during lunchtime. You'd be surprised what a parking permit can do.


Broiled Dove

A wise man once said, "if you remember the '60s then you weren't there." Proving this post modern proverb, Woodstock '99 closed with an atrocity that utterly defeats the entire message Woodstock gave the world: Peace, Love and Freedom.

After the closing act fans set 16 trailers containing merchandise and refreshments on fire. Apparently the seven-dollar hamburgers were a little on the rare side. No one was hurt but rioting at the main stage successfully destroyed several thousand dollars worth of equipment.

I haven't seen this much pointless violence since the Southpark movie.

Gee, it's nice to know we can celebrate music and togetherness outside of the violent political world with no fear of incident or harm.

Now my take on this is that they never should have tried to remake Woodstock in the first place. In my opinion there are only two Woodstocks: That concert in the '60s and the little yellow bird Snoopy hangs around with. Any attempt to make extra copies like Dolly the Wonder sheep should always result in unabashed panic and tumultuous upheaval. It's like saying Bloody Mary three times: on the third Bloody Mary something bad is going to happen. Don't tempt fate, guys. Just eat your magic mushroom, contemplate your toes and listen to the @$%# music. Got it?


Wipe that smile back on your face, Private!

It's the Marines and it's time to party like it's 1999! The newly promoted leader of the United States Marine Corps, General James Jones recently assured his constituents that the Marine Corps of the 21st Century will not trudge on like the Marines Corps of the last 223 years. In a speech before a troop in Stuttgart, Germany he said, "Its okay to have fun in the Marine Corps." Uh, yeah General it looks like a real blast… sir.

He continued by claiming that a major problem with the military is it is too stringent.

Seems to me that this is what the military is supposed to be like isn't it? Isn't that the reason no one wants to be in the military? Oh yeah, it's a real Club Med, the Marines. I hear they have a special black ops shuffleboard unit.

Come on General. You can't possibly think that the grunts under you consider sloshing around in the rubble that used to be Kosovo is like lounging at the pool bar at the MGM Grand do you?

Perhaps that's what you consider "a ball" but if that kind of masochistic, under the sheets thrills, activity turns you on then there's a program already underway in the military that is just right for you.

It's called, Don't Ask, Don't Tell.


Sometimes people go a little overboard, it's true. Problem is most people don't attempt to justify themselves. Overkill can be flattering sometimes but you have to make sure it's what the subject wants. Telling Marines that the military can be fun is unwanted overkill. Telling Marines that there is a school in Minnesota that provides hookers is elatedly receptive overkill.

Attacking the wrong subject with blatant overkill is bad under all circumstances. It is both a waste of time and energy.

In any case…

WARNING: The use of too many warning notices is gratuitous overkill under any definition of the word.

Oh and pray for the mouse will ya?