Alice had the Cheshire cat. Shelley Duvall had Jack Nicholson. We have Bill Clinton. In the rat race of daily existence everyone has that blissfully smiling evil person lurking in the dark shadows of our broken Utopia. Know why these people are grinning like Mick Jagger stuck on a musical note? Their conscience is clear. They have confessed their burdens, good or bad, and are now merrily hopping along the street eagerly annoying you with their smugness.

Yeah, I hate these people too.

But what really is the problem here? We can do this also. Why do we hang on to our precious little secrets and dirty laundry that drag us like Delta Burke through a Golden Corral buffet instead of dropping the load and go skipping along with the blissful others? The answer is simple. We're afraid people will laugh at us in mid-skip. And you know what? They will laugh. Cases in point…




Never trust a smiling politician. Ever hear that? Well, Clinton aside who seems inexorably immune to this phrase, it is true. Pam Johnson of Dallas, Texas is challenging this issue with a national campaign to have all fifty governors ratify and announce a common day as, "NATIONAL ADMIT YOU'RE HAPPY DAY".

Yeah, I thought that too.

Ms. Johnson is committed though. No, not that kind of committed, shame on you. She truly feels that if everyone simply accepted that they are content then a tiny creature of hope would spring to life and flitter about our dull gray lives, shedding joy to all.

Excuse me, does anyone have any bug spray?

Well, the governors are taking care of the problem. Here are some responses to Ms. Johnson's request:

George Pataki of New York, "We have no official position on happiness."

Fred Keating of Oklahoma, "We'll need to check with our attorneys."

Jesse Ventura of Minnesota, "I represent the people of Minnesota. I don't know how this affects them."

George Bush of Texas, "No comment."

Well, they're not smiling. I guess that means we can trust them.

Stop laughing. You're not supposed to be happy.


Mir Existence

Some things just needed to be admitted to when the problem started. Like the Russian Space Station, Mir. The Russians have been holding on to this hunk of junk longer than David Letterman holds on to a bad joke. Recently the main computer said DasVeDanya and shut down. They are treating it like a vacation.

PEOPLE! You're in space! 200 miles above the Earth. The main computer is what keeps you cosmonaughts and not the world's largest splat ratio. Admit it. The Americans beat you! We won the space race. Sticking to Mir is like David Hasselhoff sucking in his gut on Baywatch. We appreciate the effort but who are you fooling?

Russia does admit they are leaving Mir next month but are still not willing to let their faded symbol of space exploration go. If the funding appears they will send another crew.

You have the blissful. And then you have the blissfully ignorant.

Figure the area under the curve. Geez.


$h!tty Job.

Some things are easy to admit. Toilet paper for example. Everyone admits toilet paper holds a special place near our hearts. Well, maybe not exactly our hearts. Recently two polls were held, each asking the same question but two different ways.

One, "If you were stranded on an island what product would want the most?"

And two, "What small convenience of the 20th century is most taken for granted?"

T.P. won hands down. Uh, pardon the pun.

It even beat out food. Which doesn't make sense considering toilet paper depends (another pun, sorry) on food as a prerequisite.

The polls also mentioned that a majority of the people likes their rolls with the paper OVER the roll rather than under. Also most people fold the paper before, uh, application. Few others scrunch the tissue chaotically.

My question is, does all this really matter when there isn't any in the stall you're in?

Talk about stranded.


Driving us Mad.

I call them creative drivers. You've seen them. People swerving from the far-left lane on a highway to make an exit about six inches from the exit itself. Yeah, the ones that are always signaled "you're number one!" with the wrong finger. Well, one demographic is statistically responsible for this. Some states are taking charge concerning this problem. It is called 1-877-TAKE-KEYS. It's a bumper sticker put on cars driven by teens. The program works on by a simple method:


One parent in Pennsylvania, "He knows he has a thousand eyes on him. This makes me a little more comfortable."

Yeah this seems a great idea but has anyone forgotten that kids usually borrow their folk's car? This puts the sticker on the family station wagon. Actually this is great considering the kids learned bad driving skills from riding with their parents all their lives.

One teen expresses what is probably on the minds of every kid on the road.

Katie Smith, age 16. "It sucks. I'm not a good driver. My parents would be getting calls 24-7"

Well, Katie, I sympathize with you. But don't worry. If your parents get that many calls they will withdraw you from the program so they can get some sleep.

See, in America, it doesn't matter what you do as a child as long as you're quiet.


Blairing Success

A final confession: Admit it, you like scary movies. Once you've gotten past that, I suggest the film everyone's been buzzing about: The Blair Witch Project. The budget is low; the film stock quality is low. The film itself is stratospherical. The last few minutes of this movie are still in my mind and the last few frames will never leave me.

The fact that the creators of the film are local boys doesn't hurt either. All that aside, this film has beaten Star Wars and shattered Titanic on the per screen basis.

Put another way, the last independent film to do this well was Pulp Fiction. It earned $10,150 per screen on 1,500 screens. Blair Witch earned $25,855 on 1,100 screens. Overall 40 million in 20 days. For a $50,000 film. Not bad.

As an aspiring filmmaker, I admire these people. I congratulate them and can't wait till they hit number one this Friday. Kudos to Haxan Films.



Confession is good for the soul. Remember that. Also remember that even after you release your burdens and the laughing stops then you can join the club and do a little giggling yourself. Have a good week, folks. See you next Monday.