I've figured it out.

There is no longer any question or qualm, neither argument nor quandary. I know why former professional basketball player, Charles Barkley is so moody all the time.

He's bald.

Yep. He's mad because he's bald.

And finally I have the proof I've been looking for all these years since the famed "hanging on the rim" incident at the 1992 Olympics, which got Barkely ejected. Recently Yale University, second only to Harvard in the amount of time and money wasted on insidiously inane theories and ideas, has announced the results from a study on the psychology of bad hair days.

People with bad hair have bad attitudes.

And you thought it was your parent's faults, shame on you.

According to the study people who suffer from wind blown hair or simply an agonizing case of chronic "bed head" will feel less capable, easily embarrassed, be less sociable and just plain feel stupid. The reason? They think they look stupid.

Well, the truth is, they're right.

And yes, it is true. We laugh about you when you're not looking. The study also goes on to inform us that men are more prone to these emotional attacks due to a bad "do" than women.

''The cultural truism is men are not affected by their appearance but this is not just the domain of women'' Says Marianne LaFrance, a Yale psychology professor. So naturally I referred back to Charles Barkely and his affliction, the worst of all bad hair phenomenon, no hair at all. The guy's head is so shiny you could use it as a replacement mirror for the Hubble.

Now don't go mentioning Michael Jordan and his bald head in this matter either.

It is a well-known fact that Jordan is not a human. He is a superior being sent down from Mount Olympus to make fun of our puny athletic abilities. Therefore his appearance is merely a residual imperfection that we put upon perfection. In reality Michael Jordan has hair that would make Dolly Pardon and her twelve hundred-pound wig look like a shaved poodle just escaped from the Westminster Dog Show. Proctor and Gamble, the makers of baby shampoos funded the study. I can just smell the brain cooking in the advertising department...

"You feel stupid on the account that you look stupid? Well, Try New Pert Plus Plus, That's right the double plus means you get a great shine and the added security of our newest anti bad hair day formulas! Superglue!"

Superglue is also owned by Proctor and Gamble in case anyone was wondering.

So, it all comes down to what's on the top of your head. I always knew this was the case. When my hair gets to a certain length I have this little curl thing that shows up that everyone says looks cute but deep inside I feel like I have this elf sitting on my shoulder waving at every passerby saying, "Hi! Look at me! I'm Curly! You got any glue?" And sometimes I just want to grab a pencil and stab that little sucker right in the chest! And then I want to cut it into little pieces and mail each piece to a different address and then. Uh. Sorry. Got a little upset there. Hmm. I wonder if there's a rim to hang off of anywhere around. It seemed to work for Charlie!

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