You know, sometimes I just have to worry about people. Ask my girlfriend about this habit of mine and she'll tell you. Well, I'm worried about what she would tell you so nevermind on that subject. But I think after reading this article you will worry too. It is an evil that has been waiting, with it's cold, clammy skin and eyeball licking disgustingness. And it doesn't even star Tom Cruise.

Now, in the past I have made it no secret that I have a particular disdain for scientists who keep their Frankenstein laboratories on the outer rim of that scientific toilet bowl called "theoretical research". In Portland, Oregon a team of these people have proven once again my point that research scientists should be given a new instruction book on how to use a test tube.

They have announced their recent findings to a question that has been plaguing them for perhaps centuries. Why are gecko feet so sticky? Yes, I know. It's been on my mind lately too. But it seems they now know why. There are little hairs, according to the investigation, called "seta" that create a sort of molecular bond that allows them to slither across almost any surface easier than Bill Clinton through a public courthouse.

But the investigation wasn't so easy it turns out. When scientists isolated a single seta and slapped it against a surface it didn't stick. Confused, they were about to give up when one man started massaging an stimulating the seta and it started to straighten out and get sticky. Oh, by the way. Make sure the kids are out of the room for this. I'll explain in greater detail later.

Anyway. Soon everyone was molesting their own lizard hairs and Eureka! The secret had been revealed. Encouraged, now they started trying to figure out how to emulate the seta and create, ready for this? Artificial gecko feet.

I told you there cause to worry about these people.

By they are undaunted and say this could be a revolution in the "lifting things" industry. They say that with lizard foot technology they can lift very large things with very small things. It'll be bigger than Microsoft. They explain that one gecko foot hair can lift an ant. A million of them, which can fit into a space the size of a dime, can lift a 45-pound child.

Amazing, huh?

Well now comes the creepy part. The scientists have announced that the average gecko carries about a half a million of these little hairs on each foot. Given that the average gecko also carries four legs that comes out to 2 million super lifting seta. Do you understand what this means? A gecko can drag away a 90-pound child! Understand why I wanted you to hide the kids?

Now, the real troubling part here is the scientists themselves have yet to realize the sheer horror a gecko can be to our nation's youth. Oh sure, they are the cute, slimy little suckers that lick their eyes and pretend they are not auto insurance dealers but in reality they are just sitting there with their green skin and regenerating tails looking for the opportunity to scamper away with little Susie or Jeremy. You know all those mysterious child disappearances where the child just poofs as the mother or father look away.

My girlfriend tells me I worry too much. But can anyone truly look me in the eye and NOT say they are worried about their kids being hauled away by a rogue band of Herculean reptiles? The mere image sends shudders through my body that would rival any Californian Earthquake. Folks, protect your kids. You see a gecko, stomp on the sucker and hope you put more than 90 pounds of pressure per square inch. You owe it to your children.

Now.

If we can only get those scientists to work on that Tom Cruise guy.

See you next week!

-Hy