This Sucks.
Last week the Federal Health Commission announced that five people recently
died after undergoing a widely accepted surgical practice. Seems their internal
organs were severely damaged in the process, resulting in devastating trauma
and eventually death. While the (God, I hope you’re not eating right now)
surgery was underway, some of the patients actually had their liver or part of
their intestines literally torn from their bodies. Gruesome stuff. But wait. You
haven’t heard what surgical process this is yet. Ready?
Lyposuction.
Sorry, guys but I rolled when I heard about this. Death by Lyposuction is a very
sad, sad way to go. It goes right up there with the dude who made it necessary to
put that don’t use the hair dryer while showering tag. I mean, what moral can be
taken to Saint Peter after entering the great beyond through a vacuum tube? I
know that dieting is the largest luxury expenditure in America today. I know that
everyone wants to be like Callista Flockhart. I admit I am not my ideal weight
and would certainly like to look a lot more like say, Mel Gibson but I’m not
jacking into a Hoover Dust Devil to do it.
In my opinion, there is only one way to lose weight in the world. I call it the
Richard Jeni Philosophy. (Jeni is a great comedian. All the great men and
women are comedians.) The philosophy is called, “Stop Eating You Fat
Bastard” Nuff said. It’s three a.m. you’re awake watching porno on ShowTime,
leave the Cheetos alone. Zip your mouth shut and stop eating. You’re a fat
bastard, you don’t need the double chocolate chip cheese cake with real whipped
cream. You don’t need a cream puff; you ARE a cream puff.
I find this philosophy works quite well and I get to keep my intestines right
where they belong. Don’t get me wrong. I feel bad if anyone dies. That’s
tragedy that just shouldn’t have to happen but these were also people taking the
easy way out and ended up taking the easy way out. So I guess the axiom is true.
Life sucks and then you die.
Pick a Card, Any Card.
In the last election, I found myself looking at a small graveyard of little
rectangles spread over a white and pink sheet of paper suspiciously called a
ballot. It was labeled with the words “yes” and “no” and thoroughly littered with
unrecognizable names running for offices I didn’t even know existed. Certain
names were easy and I checked them off first. Then, like a multiple-choice test
from Hades, I started guessing. I tried looking over the shoulders of other voters
but there was a cop in the room and he wasn’t amused by this action.
So I quietly read to myself. “Should the acceptance of the passage regarding the
recent restructuring of the wording of the law be agreed upon?” Hmm, tough
call there. I thought it needed a little more agreeing and restructuring. I checked
“no”. Basking in the warm, motherly glow of American power, I gleefully
marked yes, yes, no, no, yes and no. I had no idea what I was voting for but I
had a sense of righteousness about it. I smirked a little. Was it really this easy?
Recently I learned it is not, in fact, that easy. It is even easier.
In Edgewood, New Mexico there was a heated race for a vacated town council
seat that called for an emergency election. Three eager seat seekers ran and all
three tied. There was a recount; All three received an equal number of votes.
There was a run off. Another three-way tie, an equal number of votes. Confused
and frankly a little worried, the council leaders consulted the city bylaws and
found a solution.
They cut cards. The highest card won.
Drawing a Seven of Spades, Gary Chemistruck became the newest town
councilman. “I’ve never really gambled before in my life. I thought I was going
to lose.” He said, clearly exhausted with the tension of campaigning.
Don’t get me wrong here. I admit guesswork is a viable method but don’t you
think they could have done what all good little governments do and cover this
decision method up and just tell everyone the losers withdrew from the race? I
mean advertising the winner drew a Seven of Spades is bad enough. “Oh great,
our city representative couldn’t even draw a face card, what a loser!”
Now, the American dream is based on gambling. In fact, it was a gamble for
people to even settle this land. Hell, even to get to this land was a long shot
worse than Charismatic, the Wonder Horse! I think a draw of cards is an
appropriate method to solve a deadlock. We should do it in all walks of life
where a vital decision is needed. First degree murder cases, firing a twenty-year
veteran worker, Ranch or Thousand Island dressing. These are things that mere
intelligent deduction is just not capable of handling. A simple cut of the cards
brings an end to all of that.
Granted. This isn’t supposed to be the way our founding fathers intended the
governmental process to go. I actually heard one time they preferred a good
game of Parcheesi as a form of breaking ties but let’s not get into that. The point
here is, when it comes down to uneducated, unmitigated gridlock, guessing is a
way out. The trick is we need to make it look like we know what we’re doing.
Politics has been and always will be showmanship. If they unveil that they are
actually making all their ideas up then I certainly can't feel bad that I guessed
when I last entered the voting booth. They should be happy I was there at all.
To bring a short end to an otherwise longwinded subject like politics, I will say
one thing regarding this recent unveiling of election techniques. Some very wise
words given to someone who was a little too curious.
Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!
First Time Unlucky
Ever watch a child play football?
It’s great fun watching them emulate the spins and cuts of Barry Sanders and the
strong throwing style of John Elway as they stumble over the slowing freezing
grasses of late autumn. On television it is even more satisfying to see the bright
eyes of children who actually get meet their gridiron heroes. Yes, football
players are heroes to children. Even after they no longer play, the cheers
continue as those kids grow up. Some even realize their dreams of being just
like their idols and go on to become heroes to another generation.
But eventually the cheers do end. And with that finalization, the heroes fade
away like a mythical McCarthian warrior. One such warrior faded away just like
the rest. However unlike the rest he made news doing it. Last Thursday, former
Dallas Cowboy Lineman, Mark Tuinei died of a drug overdose. Coroners
reported he had a mixture of heroin and another drug called Ecstasy in his
system.
Tuinei was not the first football player to take drugs. He was not the first
football player to die from them. There was absolutely nothing special about his
death. Except one thing:
This was the first time Tuinei had ever taken heroin. Police chief Bruce
Glasscock of Plano, Texas said, “ Here was an individual who used heroin one
time, and he ended up dead as a result of that.”
Anyone question the murdering power of drugs anymore?
Now. Here is the truly tragic part of this story. People are shielding their
children from this unfortunate accident. Already the story has been shuffled as
old news to the back pages of local newspapers. I disagree with this response. In
fact we should put this story on the top shelf and advertise it to every child
within earshot. You don’t have to be an addict to be killed by drugs. You just
have to take them.
Kids are smarter than years before. They are growing up with things we didn’t
think possible when we were in their shoes. Shielding them from things like this
is as big a mistake as Pandora being given the box but also being ordered to
never open it. What kind of set up is that? Without justification temptation is the
most difficult emotion to resist. If you’re going to tell a kid not to do drugs you
have to say why. For example, there is a reason children ask why the sky is blue.
It isn’t to annoy the parent. It is because they truly don’t know. Explain why a
thing is like it is. Don’t just say “because” and forbid further discussion.
Another example: Mark Tuinei is forbidden to back story news now. A former
hero fallen when in fact he should be even stronger a role model than before. He
has become an example for the anti-drug issue. However unfortunate that is, it is
true. And as a result his memory should be held in regard. Children should
continue to worship this hero with the knowledge…
It only takes one time to be unlucky.
Heed those words parents. Don’t hide your children from the facts. It only takes
ONE TIME.
Have You Heard the One About…
George Carlin, a truly great comedian and humor writer, said once that anything
could be funny. It all depended on the way the joke was constructed. I feel this is
true. Of all the things we have as humans that separates us from the animals is
humor. It is right up there with the opposable thumb. However, just as genetic
defects occur in the human body that affect motor skills or vision or learning
centers, there are humor defects in humans as well. These people tend to
conglomerate. Those conglomerates are called agencies and they take turns year
after year making our lives sheer and unabated hell. You’ve heard of them. They
have letters instead of names. IRS, CIA, FCC. The latter for example has posed
a recent example of what I call “anti-humor”.
Recently an FCC employee responsible for sending a daily email reporting the
previous day’s actions taken by the agency decided to liven things up a bit. The
employee instead sent to over six thousand reporters, officials and federal
employees, a dirty joke called NUNS IN HEAVEN. The cyber cops of the FCC
caught the email seconds after it was sent and attempted damage control by
sending an apology email. It was too late. Seems no one ever reads these things
and most organizations forward the joke on to thousands of other people. Soon
the joke was global.
I haven’t had received a copy of this joke yet but I’m working on getting one.
Until then I’ll just have to make do by uncontrollably laughing at the FCC. I can
just imagine the fumes this little email ignited through the corridors of the
Federal Communications Commission. The fact that the entire unfunny building
didn’t crack like the walls of Jericho at the cancerous and vile humor bug as it
burrowed its way into the heart of an employee is only a testament to the size
and strength of the agency. Made of pretty stern stuff, the FCC.
Spokeswoman Stacey Mesa promised the evil humorist would be ferreted out
and killed. Well, she didn’t say killed. That would have been funny. She said
they would “deal” with the person. Uh, that usually means fired. Hey, Stacey,
lighten up. It was only a joke. I bet you never had a kitten when you were
young. Do you want a kitten, Stacey? A cute little kitten you can pet and- uh.
Sorry. Got a little off the track there. A-hem.
Uh, where was I? Oh yeah, fired. I hope this guy or gal doesn’t get the can. If
anything he or she should get an accommodation from the American People for
being brave enough to stand up against the gray walled cubicle of bland
government. In a federal constituency that is headed for Al Gore as President,
we really need to get the yucks out before the end truly comes. What harm did
this person do with NUNS IN HEAVEN? The FCC says the joke was “highly
offensive”. Yeah, so is Ru Paul but we don’t fire her. Him. IT! WHATEVER!!
Laughter is the best medicine, anyone remember that phrase? However
mediocre or offensive, it is still a joke. The belly laugh, the chortle, the groan,
all are ways of relieving stress and tension. The only thing wrong about this
email jokester at the FCC is that his or her job is now at stake. The decision to
fire the emailer was made seconds, SECONDS after the email went out. So far
not a single complaint has been filed with the FCC over the joke. This person is
being axed not because of the abuse of a huge email listing but the pure genetic
deficiency of humor in the DNA of the FCC, ok?
To the FCC I can only say, “Bring in the clowns.”
The Feudal System
There is nothing on this great green Earth that is truly as enthralling as a good
act of senseless violence. Throughout history we have had trials and tribulations
that constantly depict the on going struggle between good and evil. And with
each conflict we get better and better at the art of battle. With every escalation
comes a myriad of advancements that were not even dreamed of the day before.
Long ago the Neanderthals fought the primates with clubs made of bone. Not so
long ago we fought the Japanese with atomic weaponry. Currently we are using
smart bombs against Yugoslavia. Next year, at the dawn of a new millenium, we
will have reached the pinnacle of confrontational warfare equipment.
A softball.
And it seems one of the longest standing rivalries that resides in memory will
wield this frighteningly powerful killing machine: The Hatfields and the
McCoys. Since their 1870s family feud which left twelve people dead, both
families moved on to successful dynasties. But that infamous disagreement is
about to rekindle. Like the fires of the phoenix, they will once again set blaze to
the ground under their hotheaded hatred for one another. They will take to the
battlefield once more donned with ball caps and bats, gloves and cleated
sneakers. Once and for all they will determine who will stand alone atop the
mound of history.
The Mother of All Softball Tournaments has been set for the year 2000. Aptly
named M2K for McCoys 2000, the tournament will be part of the McCoys
national family reunion. To be held in Pikeville, Kentucky the two families are
looking to teach onlookers a lesson in history and teach each other who has the
quicker underhand fastball. “The legend of the feud is there, but the truth is
fading” says founder Bo McCoy (yes, he’s the real McCoy). “Part of our vision
is to bring the feud back to the forefront.” Wow. Pretty upscale wording for a
guy from Kentucky. Attaboy, Bo!
The feud has been rumored to have been started by everything from a stolen pig
to which family was cutting down which family’s trees. The McCoys were on
the receiving end of the death toll much worse than their foes. Six children were
lost in the decade long feud. The rest were by-standers. No Hatfields were killed
at all. I imagine the McCoys will get to bat first as a result.
I have to say I think this is a great idea. In fact I feel we should do this for other
historical events. I can imagine a Bastille basketball tournament. Maybe a Civil
War tennis match. Or how about a Tastes Great/Less Filling Lacrosse game?
Think about it. We could sell merchandise and help pay off the national debt.
Already the H & M feud has drafted the attention of over 14,000 people. The
McCoys plan to sell T-shirts. I want one.
Not since Luke Skywalker hacked off Darth Vader’s hand has such a wonderful
chance at revenge presented itself to a person or group. The McCoys have a real
chance to kick butt and take names here. And better yet, they get to do it without
killing anyone. Unless of course they break out an Uzi and hose down six
Hatfields in cold-blooded historical irony. That would suck. Not only have they
let by-gones be by-gones but they have cooperated in a fun way and are
allowing the world to watch.
Bravo Hatfields and McCoys. I can’t wait for the game!