No matter what point of origin you believe humans came from, either the primordial soup or the grace of God, one has to
admit that while we have created miraculous achievements, we have also attained stratospherical heights of stupidity. I
see it every day in every walk of life.
Stupid people. Littering the gene pool of humanity.
Now it isn't that I feel stupid people should be eradicated like the common cold or perhaps a roach crawling across a
restaurant floor. In fact, I find stupid people as a limitless source of entertainment and insight. I see myself in the
ineptness, often frequently. I see other people I generally assume as intelligent in the stew of stupidness also. These
visions help me grow and inwardly smile, as I secretly know that I could never be that stupid. Meanwhile someone to my
left is wondering if I realize my fly is open.
Stupid is as...
So, stupid people are everywhere. A good place to show this fact is the haven of stupidity: Alabama. Have you
witnessed someone do or say something stupid and then forgive them upon realizing they are from Alabama? Well, don't
feel bad. The even Alabama's government is afflicted with ineptness. Given the recent tragedies in Colorado and
Georgia, the Alabama state legislature is entertaining adding a new course to the 2000 school curriculum. Gun safety.
They want to bring live weapons into the classroom so they can learn how to use them safely. Real guns, real bullets,
real children, real stupid.
Great idea, Einstein. This way, if kids know how to use the guns properly then they can break the record for most number
of murders committed by a pre teen. This could become an Olympic event. My God, what are these people thinking?
Now I understand why the writer of FORREST GUMP chose Alabama as the home of the world's most stupid man. My
advice to the Alabama State legislature is to medically extract their cerebellums and turn them into tiny bullets for the
guns. That way the teachers will have piece of mind (literally) that the guns are filled with blanks.
Book 'em
Some ideas start off as pretty good theories however. For instance, Maricopa County in Phoenix, Arizona has a concept
that seems great until you think about it for approximately nine seconds. The sheriff there, Joe Arpaio has noticed his
inmates are a little restless in their cramped nine by twelve-foot gray/green cells. So he is going to make them a little
more comfortable.
Starting in June he is going to read them bedtime stories.
That's right. Such literary classics as Jane Eyre, Little Women and Call of the Wild will be read to the inmates for sixty
to ninety minutes before lights out. It's the Big Comfy Chair meets the Big House. And to prove that this guy has done a
triple toe loop, double axle combination jump into the stupid pool, he's going to do all this in front of a fireplace with a
dog!
Okay. I have something to read to this sheriff. It's something my Dad read to me when I was a kid. It's called "The Riot
Act". Comfortable? Okay, where's my dog? At sometime this bedtime story thing had to be discussed in a city council or
some derivative of a committee. It had to have passed in order to get this far. Now, these people are clearly thinking that
the soothing words and phrases will charm these criminals into eventual good behavior, as a somewhat skewed
depiction of the story, A Clockwork Orange. Here are some words of wisdom. A Clockwork Orange was a movie! It
wasn't real. It is never going to be real. Reading Anna Karenina to a bunch of hulking car thieves and axe murderers is
only going to make them want to beat the crap out of you with the paperback version of the book rather than the seventeen
ton hard cover version.
Fore!
Sports can be stupid, too. I was stretched out on my couch the other day, actively engaged in a high-speed channel surfing
competition when I was ground to a halt by an alarming scene. It was on one of the higher channels. You know, the ones
showing that fuzzy, dead guy painting happy little trees? Like a hypnotized highway traveler faced with a wreck on the
side of the road, I was mesmerized by the flickering images of an activity I never knew existed. It was on ESPN2.
The National Championship of Professional Putt Putt Golf.
You have absolutely, without a single shred of doubt, unequivocally have got to be kidding me. Putt Putt golf has pros?!?
I thought bowling was lame! Now fully submerged in the wanton stupidity of this competition, I tossed the remote over
my shoulder, cracked opened another beer and readied myself to scrutinize this shockingly bizarre low in American
athletic prowess. Soon, the world around me shrouded away as the little red, yellow, blue and green balls incandescently
blurred toward their hole in one destinies. It was truly a magical experience and by the end of the grueling match I had
learned some valuable things.
One. We, as American's have entirely too much money to put on physical challenges. Seems this world class
championship came with a world class purse. The winner would receive one hundred thousand dollars and a new Jeep
Cherokee. Sorry, but if we can shell out that many clams for a game that can be mastered by sock monkey then it's about
time we start planning for Armageddon because God has got to be pissed.
Two. People will do just about anything, no matter how stupid it is, to prove they are better than everyone else is. The
competitors in this Mecca of miniature golf were all in their mid twenties to late thirties. Grown men playing putt putt. It
was like watching two dozen Gullivers play the back nine in Lilliputt. I kept expecting little people to come running out
from the vaguely mushroom shaped bumpers and fake rocks to assault the hideous orbs of death as they threateningly
tumbled across their tranquil land.
And Three, I will, if given enough static time, watch just about anything on television. I can safely say that I am addicted
to the multi-media imagery of this modern age. I have found myself at any hour of the day or night watching anything from
this kind of nail biting, hair pulling, stress fest of kiddy golf to the dog eat dog world of Ron Popeil pasta making
machine infomercials. It makes no difference to me.
Oh sure, it's easy to attack my lifestyle by saying I'm simply letting the world pass me by. I quickly and glibly turn that
argument around by saying the world is not passing me by, I'm on the world just like everyone else. It is travelling
through space at thirty eight thousand miles an hour and while you're busy spinning your little web of security using things
like home equity and stock options, I'm simply raising my hands, going WooHoo, and enjoying the cosmic roller coaster
ride of life, baby! And before they can return the argument someone important pages them and I can go about watching cat
exercise videos.
Cloning Fluffy
Doctors are stupid. Actually that isn't true. Doctors are pretty darn smart people who prey upon stupid people. Heather
Bessoff and Ron Gillespie are now offering to take tissue samples of people's dead pets and Xerox them into a brand
spanking new replica. Now, I've had lots of pets. Cats mostly. A couple of dogs, hundreds of fish. I remember a good
chunk of them and can recall happy moments with each. I was sad to lose a couple of them but I understood the cycle of
life and death and moved on to give another cold, hungry pet a warm home.
This is my point. There are other pets out there. Just ask Bob Barker (if you can grab him between groping sessions with
his Price is Right beauties). Millions of furballs out there meowing and barking for the attention of those thousands of
loser humans who are so attached to their pet chihuahua, Spike that they can't bear to let him go well after he's pushed up
the daisies. Come on, the pet is dead. Get a new one if you're lonely. If you want, get one that looks just like it. I don't
suggest that but if you don't want to change all the pictures in the living room then stick with the old model. Otherwise,
trade up!
Why do you think car companies for example are always designing new and exciting automobiles for you to buy? There
is no reason to get a new car. If yours dies, you can get it fixed. But it's kind of old and there are some really nice new
ones out there. Maybe it's time to let the past go and hop into a new ride? Pets are the same way. You get a pet, you use
the pet (get your mind out of the gutter), the pet dies, you bury it, you get another pet. This is what Simba in The Lion
King meant by the Circle of Life.
Cloning was bad enough with the sheep. No need to do the sheepdog too.
A Little Shuteye A Lotta Stabbing.
And finally, courts are stupid. Which almost goes without saying since Justice is blind. It just happens to be deaf and
dumb also. A man has recently pleaded innocent to murder charges. He told the courts that he could not possibly have
stabbed his wife forty three times because he was sleeping at the time. Apparently he is a notorious sleepwalker. I
wonder how many people in the peanut gallery in the back of the court thudded onto the floor, rolling at the emense,
grandiosely stupid plea this guy gave. Seems he was sleepwalking when he marched into the kitchen, fished through one
of the drawers, grabbed a quick swig of milk from the container, yawned, scratched his butt, picked up a big knife,
walked back into the bedroom and hacked his wife to bits. Nice image. Now here is the really stupid part. So far the
courts are arguing the case as a legitimate plea!
This is Guinness Book of World Records stupid.
My opinion here is, his sentence is being put to sleep in Colorado and watch him walk into the Grand Canyon. Maybe he
could walk Fluffy Part Two while doing it. I'm sure Sheriff Arpaio in Arizona would be glad to read this new prisoner to
sleep. I'm just glad he didn't use a gun to kill his wife. Without proper education those things can be dangerous.
These are just five examples but I am of the sound opinion that everyone on Earth is stupid at any one given time. I accept
that I can make some pretty mundane decisions. I am just amazingly good at making it look like I meant it that way.
Obi-Wan Kenobi once proverbed, "who is the more foolish? The fool or the fool who follows him." I have to say the
former. I can that say with all certainty. I can follow a stupid person all day long with a pad and pencil, taking notes.
There is a lot that can be learned from a stupid person. And it is easy work. There are thousands of test subjects just
milling around the planet. Pick one. Consider it a scientific undertaking. Take some notes and observe, like a Jane
Goodall of the human genre.
Just make sure your fly is zipped.
Have a good Sunday and Remember Memorial Day!