There is a spiritual commonwealth of compassion that bonds us humans. We can all sense it. It is the feeling that no matter the time or place, if the chips are
down; someone will be there with a pooper-scooper. I like that sensation. It provides some interesting episodes in this surrealistic montage called, "life".
However this human spirit thing swings both ways. Kind of like Madonna. It depends on who is using it and to what end. For instance…
And You’re Ugly Too.
Whatever happened to inner beauty? Well, wherever it is, I can say for certain that it isn’t in Chicago. Recently elected Mrs. Chicago, Monica Skylling-Burke
and the body that elected her (the judges, not HER body) is in court. Seems the runner up; Mrs. Lisa Appleby feels she deserves the prize money, trip to
Hawaii and other winnings because Skylling-Burke was a former winner under another name. So she has filed with the Illinois State Court for the right to wear
the crown.
We’ve gone from swimsuit to lawsuit? Isn’t this like fining a gumball machine when you don’t get a green one?
Seems to me that Mrs. Appleby should be happy she got to the runner up spot. With a personality like that it’s a wonder she got past the interview phase of
the judging. I don’t think, "selfish bitch" is an admirable trait for beauty queen. Well, maybe so, it IS Chicago afterall.
I can just imagine her on the stand, being grilled by the defense attorney, mascara streaking her face into a kabuki mask. "I- I just want people to like me.
Really, really like me." She says, sobbering.
Who is this chick?!? Sally Field?
Sleeping with the Enemy.
Remember when we bombed the crap out of General Moammar Gadhafi in retaliation for several terrorist attacks back in the eighties?
Okay, remember Nelson Mandela, that guy we kept singing about to free from a South African jail years ago?
Well, it appears the two are the best of friends. Recently, the newly re-elected leader of South Africa, Mandela announced, "President Gadhafi has done a lot
for us and at a time when very few people, especially the west would help." And thus the two countries are political allies. Wait a minute. A Nobel Peace Prize
Laureate and a murdering bastard, who ordered the destruction of two commercial jetliners, are bedfellows?
Excuse me sir, why don’t you just sell your entire soul and get into the Hades conga line with Hussein and Milosovic? There’s plenty of room!
Mandela continues, "Those who feel irritated by our friendship can go jump in the pool." Jump in the pool? Fine. I could use a dip, let me grab my swimtrunks.
First the backstroke: The word of the day is terrorism. You become friends with a terrorist and you BECOME a terrorist. Next, my favorite, the breaststroke:
"The West" as you put it is that little group of people who got you out of jail in the first place. Go ahead; bite the hand that feeds you. Finally, the dogpaddle:
Two words, Mr. Mandela, two words…
Two Faced.
Habeas Corpus. Spiderous Deadicus.
Superman has Krytonite. Indiana Jones had snakes. I have spiders. I can’t stand spiders. I think they should be eradicated from the planet. And to all those
spider lovers and scientists who say spiders perform a valued function in the ecosystem I say, "go jump in the pool." The only function they provide is to
improve hand/eye coordination. That is how I feel.
Well, the doctors of The National Aquarium (a pool) disagree with me. They are round the clock, actively trying to save the life of Goliath, a tarantula.
(Tarantula is Latin for big ass, hairy spider) So far they have performed two CAT scans, exploratory surgery, and even invented a new skin graft procedure
never before applied to arachnids.
Here, I have a surgical procedure for you. It’s called a shoe.
"All our animals get top-notch care." Says Dr. Ian Walker of the veterinary hospital. Okay, I got ya here but thing is if it has more than four legs it is not an
animal. It is a rug stain. No CAT scans, no skin grafts, just I Love My Carpet cleaning spray. In fact the only skin graft its getting is from the palm of my hand,
at high velocity.
I understand and promote the sanctity of life. I agree with Dr. Walker when he says, "we will probably lose the animal if we don’t try." I just keep thinking of
the cost. CATS scans are expensive, you know. Already, I’m expecting a bill on my next tax form. The knowledge is pricey but doctors say we can learn
invaluable information from this spider.
I just hope Black Flag is there taking notes.
Throwing it all away.
When I’m at a beach I look for four things. Women, beer, seagulls and treasure hunters. Women and beer are self-explanatory. Seagulls you have to look out
for because they will steal your potato chips. Treasure hunters are just fun to watch. Digging for three days to retrieve a bottle cap. I love watching them. Just
imagine what would happen if they found a quarter.
Well, all that idle energy is being harnessed in Miami in a citywide beach-cleaning program. Volunteers have sought out and removed thousands of items buried
or otherwise from local coastlines. They found some pretty strange stuff. Jacuzzis, baby carriages with porno magazines in them, the keys to the county jail, fifty
thousand bottles, three thousand plastic beer rings and one thousand condoms.
Okay, this is bad but what they found isn’t what makes me worry. See, I rounded down on the condom figure. There were actually 1,263 condoms.
Do you know what this means?
Someone out there actually counted them. They sat at a table and moved them from one pile to another, jotting down the results. Even worse they volunteered
to do it! What kinds of people are living in Miami these days? I admire the strict personal vindication coming from the knowledge that the beaches are now
100% clean but I think they could at least have paid the dude who had to count the things.
Do you think he counted in twos or maybe fives to save time?
The REAL Human Spirit.
I recently read the book, Brain Droppings by George Carlin and found a passage I thought fit this issue rather well.
"I suppose it would be nice if reincarnation were a reality, but I have problems with the math. At some point, originally, there must have been a time when there
were only two human beings. They both died, and presumably their souls were reincarnated into two other bodies. But that still leaves us with only two souls.
We now have nearly six billion people on the planet. Where are all the extra souls coming from? Is someone printing up souls? Wouldn’t that tend to lower
their value?"
The human spirit is a funny thing. It allows us to perform great acts of selflessness and tremendous acts of selfishness on the same note. It just boils down to
who we are. We can be jealous and greedy like Mrs. Appleby in Chicago or back stabbing like Mandela. Or we can heal like Dr. Walker, even if the patient
IS a spider. (Yuck)
In any event, no matter what my human spirit leads me to do in the future, if someone one day asks me to pick up, separate and catalog used beach condoms,
I’m getting paid to do it.
Have a good Sunday!