We're screwed.
USA Today has reported that eels are overrunning my home state, Florida. Seems some yahoo back in '93 decided his pet Asian Eel was Born Free and
should die free so he dumped the slithery sucker into a pond. Five years later we have thousands of Asian Eels all over the state.
Like I said, we're screwed.
Seems these little critters are impervious. Yeah, impervious. An ichthyologist from Georgia has studied these wonders of slinkdom and has determined the only
legitimate way of bumping off these eels is direct clubbing. Seems the baby white seal has some company.
Seriously, these eels are smart, savvy, self protective, prolific and hungry. The ichthyolo- The FISHGUY, tried several ways to kill these things before the
ultimate clubbing solution. He tried to put highly concentrated chlorine in a tank with one eel and some rocks. The eel promptly climbed onto the rocks and
waited for the chlorine to dissipate.
He tried another method with a combination of chemicals used to "nuke a pond" I'm not sure if he got authorization from President Clinton to use Strategic
weaponry against a little eel but he did it anyhow. It didn't work. After 21 hours of the eel swimming in the "nuked pond" with no ill (eel) effects, the scientist
decided to give up and stand in the unemployment line with Kenneth Starr.
Other folks have tried to learn more about these eels. One decided to check its hunting habits. He put a worm on a chair and the eel on the laboratory floor and
told it to fetch. The eel took a few moment to chicken scratch out one of those big ass detailed blue prints, flop over to the chair and smack it repeatedly until
the worm fell to its impending doom. The eel ate the worm and was still hungry.
Another brave scientist spoke of the biblical proportions of this slimy Satan. She said it can breathe air so water based poisons are worthless to control it. It
can flop over dry land in order to live and breed in other waters. It defends its young to the death. It can hide from predators by digging itself into the mud. I
cannot be grasped or held due to its amazing sliming ability. It eats everything from bass to bugs.
This is the Tasmanian Devil of the eel world.
She went on to say the eel looks as if God himself had designed the perfect doomsday weapon and put it in a slimy sausage like package.
Wow.
What did we ever do to you, God?
I have not had the pleasure to see one of these little guys in person. I'm not sure I want to see one until Black Flag comes up with something to kill it. I have a
club for the moment but I worry about eel splatter. Not sure about you but eel guts, much less immortal eel guts, is not my idea of wallpaper patterning.
Scientists have estimated that in the next two years. The State of Florida will be covered in Asian Eels. They will eat every consumable available and will keep
on coming. Doomsday is here. And it is slimy.
Forget comets. Forget viruses. Forget Ken Starr.
Fear the Eel.
Fear the Eel.
Fear the Eel.
And get a big club!