In March of 1950 a fat, little cross dresser in Washington D.C. decided it was time for him to advertise in every post office across the country. He put up pictures and statistics and labeled everything in big, bold, red letters.
MOST WANTED
Well, fifty years later, the posters are still there. And when a really, really bad guy does a really, really bad thing he gets ranked as Public Enemy Number One. You know I always wondered about that? Has anyone ever seen Public Enemy Number Seven? And would he be a cross dresser too?
Anyway, these little sheets of paper listing the cruel and evil deeds of America’s scum and villainy have come in pretty handy over the decades. But recently they have taken on a- well, a silly tone. Allow me to explain.
New York City recently announced they are now prosecuting one of the city’s highest ranked criminals. He is wanted for countless rape crimes that took place in 1994. Okay, no biggie. But this one has an interesting twist. They haven’t arrested the guy yet. In fact, they don’t even know what he looks like or where he is. See, the police and the city’s District Attorney have filed suit against this Public Enemy based on the DNA extracted from his sperm.
Come again?
Yeah, I know it’s clear the crime had to have started somewhere in his genes but this is taking it a bit to literally, don’t you think? Besides, what kind of wanted poster could you possibly have for this? A Double Helix in a ski mask? And how did they detain the little character witnesses in the first place? I can just imagine hundreds of little sperm cells, fruitlessly wiggling to get free of the microscopic handcuffs. Jeez.
Now as silly as this case seems, the police do have some leads. For instance they know the man’s name:
Mr. John Doe.
Wow, it’s amazing what science can tell these days from a little puddle of goo. In addition to this they know they are looking for someone in the Navy since it was in fact semen that was recovered. So I guess the investigation is coming along nicely. Oh, and just to keep this cheesy, sick, moronic PUN-tification going. The suit was filed on Wednesday.
You know, Hump Day?
Now, I could be wrong but there has to be a ton of crimes out there with real leads and evidence that deserve attention a little more than this one. I know that rape is a serious issue and I wish there were conclusive evidence that would nail the bastard to a flat bed pickup truck on it’s way through a soft touch car wash during the hot wax cycle. But grasping at straws and then openly advertising this fact is nothing but an insult to the victims. It’s like you’re telling them you have no clue who did it so you’re just going to sentence the sperm to the state penal facility.
Now we all know catching bad guys is a hard job. That’s exactly why FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover made all those wanted posters in the first place: so the regular citizenry could keep its eyes peeled for the bad guys too. But prosecuting sperm is just plain stupid. And it makes us lose confidence in the institutions of law and government that are supposed to be serving and protecting us. Not to mention causing a snicker or two when they’re not looking.
So my advice is to delve back into the very science that led to the prosecution in the first place: Genetics. If we can make sheep and pigs from a single strand of DNA then let’s just clone the sucker and wheel his carbon-copied ass around town looking for the match. Think of it as a full scale, city wide, homosapeanic version of the game Concentration. And the best part about this plan is even if we don’t find the scumbag we can just lock up Mr. Xerox. Remember that it was his cells that were found at the scene of the crime in the first place.
Of course that makes me wonder: What Public Enemy Number would that make HIM?